Deranged Mind

February 25, 2009

A Lil Midget Fun

Filed under: Humor,internet,Uncategorized — Tags: , — The Deranged One @ 11:05 am

In case you’re feeling a little down, this will cheer you up. I promise. By the way, what the fuck????

December 21, 2008

Facebook Attention Whoredom Part II (or is it Part III?)

Filed under: Humor,internet — The Deranged One @ 2:50 am

This will be my third installment of stupid shit on Facebook. Before anybody thinks I’m obsessed with Facebook, I’m not. I just happened to hear this little gem on the radio today and thought I would look it up when I got home.

Apparently, the faceless purveyors of Facebook are hit or miss when it comes to people posting pictures of themselves breast feeding. Some of the photos are taken down and others are left. Personally, I don’t care and I certainly don’t go out of my way to look for pictures of people feeding their rugrats. But apparently, there’s a whole group who seem obsessed with breastfeeding.

Now don’t think I’m a prude. On the contrary, I could gaze at tits all day. But breastfeeding? So you also force the world to look at pictures of your kids smearing macaroni and cheese all over the place? Boy, that sounds really exciting. Instead, it strikes me as more Facebook Attention Whoredom. Yawn.

And here’s another thought – something which is somewhat dear to me. The women who are whining about their breastfeeding photos haven’t paid a single penny toward Facebook, have they? It’s a service that they use for free. It’s somebody else’s (or in this case, a company’s) website. On occasion, I get somebody bitching because they’ve posted something on one of my websites which is either inappropriate, pisses me off, or both. In any event, I take it down and the inevitable bitching begins. But in the end, it’s my website, bandwidth and money. So if you don’t like it, go start your own website.

Now if only Facebook would allow videos of the actual conception…

December 19, 2008

Facebook Attention Whoredom

Filed under: Humor,internet — The Deranged One @ 2:05 am

I was looking over things and discovered in ealier rant about Facebook, that I forgot to mention something else that I find totally worthless. XXXX is….. – that’s the box that says “What are you doing right now.” I’m typing on the computer, what the hell do you think? And people try to come up with witty statements that usually fall short. Or they go off the deep end and update us every few minutes. But it’s not real.

I was thinking that perhaps I should try to figure out the internet on cell phone (Verizon – suck ass service) and update Facebook every time I do something.

I am taking a shit.

I am wiping.

I am pissed because I dropped the phone in the toilet while wiping.

You get the idea. A bunch of fucking attention whore drama if you ask me. I have a couple of friends who are off the hook updating that shit. I swear, they spend more time on the damn computer than they do in real life. And if they didn’t spend so much time updating all of the people on Facebook on their daily activities, they’d probably have about 2 extra hours per day to accomplish shit. That’s their thing though.

I would like to see some real shit posted on Facebook – the kind that would bring a smile to my face.

Jane is fantasizing about having anal sex with the cashier at the grocery store even though he is probably only 17.

Dick is trying to think of a way to tell his wife he wants to have a threeway with her and her sister.

Now that would be keeping it real.

November 22, 2008

Merry X-mas

Filed under: California,Humor — Tags: , — The Deranged One @ 3:05 am

As I mentioned the night before Election Day (Election Eve?) I saw a Christmas commercial on the television. I’ve always been upset because it seems that the retailers push Christmas earlier and earlier each year. I have nothing against Christmas, I just get sick and tired of the commercials. This year isn’t looking to be any different.
The night following Election Day, I saw two houses in my neighborhood that not only had their Christmas lights up, but turned on as well. That would be November 5th. I felt a little nauseous when I saw them. It got worse. Last week, I was driving through Sacramento and got stuck in a traffic jam on I-80 thanks to a couple of idiots who decided to play bumper cars. They had pulled out of traffic, but that didn’t matter to all the other idiots on the highway who had to slow down for a glimpse and backed up traffic for a good 2 miles. I often wish that the idiots (I refuse to call them rubberneckers -- a stupid term) would get a good look at an eviscerated driver. Not that I wish evisceration on anybody (that I can say out loud,) but I’d like the idiot in front of me who has to slam on the brakes to take a peak at a wreck to have nightmares for weeks.

Anyway, as I was saying, I was sitting in traffic and there wasn’t anything good on the radio. So I started flipping the dial. No, I no longer have a dial I can flip, but that’s what we always called it. The radio stopped on a station proudly and loudly broadcasting Christmas music. I thought it was a fluke and quickly changed to some obscure AM talk show. A few minutes later, I switched back and sure enough, more Christmas music. Hmm, this isn’t looking good.

Not only that, but last week, we received our first Christmas card of the year. Worse yet, I stopped at a Fry’s store on Monday and they were blasting Christmas music.

What is the world coming to? Pretty soon, are we going to be preparing for Christmas on July 5th? Perhaps the local service clubs can set up a combination fireworks/Christmas tree stand. That would make for some outstanding fires.

As I said, I have nothing against Christmas. If I remember correctly, it’s supposed to be a celebration of the birth of Jesus and not the one working in the kitchen at the local Chinese restaurant. Instead, it’s become a competition to see who can throw the gaudiest looking shit on their house, have the Christmas cards delivered first and sell the most shit that nobody can afford. That’s the real Christmas spirit.

And here’s something that always puts a smile on my face:

September 11, 2008

Perverts on the Internet

Filed under: Humor,internet,website — Tags: , — The Deranged One @ 12:35 am

I’m sure by the title, all you perverts thought this was going to be about midget clown porn or something equally twisted. Sorry to let you down, but no there will be no links in this post to amputee sex sites. No, this is all about you sick ass motherfuckers who stumble upon this site through various web searches. Amongst all the statistics I can pull up about who visits this site are they keywords that people type into Google to find my little bit of insanity. Here they are some of the highlights:

  • genital origami
  • origami genitals
  • genital origami instructions – I ain’t telling you how to twist your junk
  • genital oragamy – learn to spell, my friend
  • newspaper carrier asshole
  • genital origami how to
  • doctor gropes female patients breasts
  • dana plato pics nude – bad form to spank to a dead chick
  • puppetry of a penis
  • the ancient art of genital origami
  • examples of genital origami
  • how to do genital origami
  • genital origami drawings
  • free disney high school musical picture printouts – I bet that poor mom was a bit surprised
  • and anderson would still get in under her shirt and bra
  • tightest ass
  • genital origami directions
  • genitale origami
  • origami of the genitals
  • genital origami loch ness – WTF?
  • milf neighbors
  • ice skater ass – I’m sure that was a sports medicine clinic looking for a treatment
  • woman ice skaters asses – here’s a good one
  • dick tricks
  • photo from the ancient art of genital origami

So what does this all mean? Not much other than there are a bunch of freaks who are really intrigued by tying their dick up like a pretzel. So here ya go all you sick-o’s, read it again and learn where you can go to bend your pipe. And if you’re really twisted, enjoy some Tonya Harding fantasies. Perverts.

September 10, 2008

Dumpster Muffin and Other Idiots

Filed under: California,Humor,News — Tags: — The Deranged One @ 2:13 am

I don’t think I’ve been able to watch the news once in the last year and a half without hearing about the fools in the trees at UC Berkeley. The university wants to build an athletic training center next to Memorial Stadium. In the midst of the planned center is (well, as of this writing, all of the trees except for two have been cut down) a grove of trees; the majority of which were planted as landscaping in 1923 after the stadium was built. In any event, this outraged the dregs of society who apparently don’t have any responsibilities (read jobs) who decided to climb into the trees to save them. There they stayed since December 2006. And occupying my news. Until today.

As most things in Berkeley go, the tree sitting trespassers and their ground-based supporters have provided ample entertainment. Zachary RunningWolf started it all. Though I don’t know him personally and hope that I never do, I think it’s pretty safe to assume that this fucktard will always be a drain on society. Next up is my beloved Dumpster Muffin. With a name like that, how can you not smile? Or snicker? Take a gander and tell me what you think.

If only she would’ve fallen out of the tree. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against a good protest. But when you toss buckets of your piss and shit out of the tree at the police, you don’t have a thing coming except perhaps a boot to the side of the head.

Anyway, after several lawsuits, more inflammatory actions by the delusional Berkeley city council and numerous arrests, the trees were cut down and today, the last of the protesters came out of the trees. I can have my news back. The urchins can crawl back under whatever rock they came from. The university can build their center.

But how am I going to keep up to date on the activities or RunningWolf (I suspect that’s not really his name and I suspect he’s not really Indian)? I had a good laugh when I read on his website that he’s the “leader for the 85,000 Native Americans in the Bay Area, which is the largest native community in the United States except for Oklahoma City.” I invite him to come on back to DinĂ© with me. There are a few more people than 85,000. What will become of Dumpster Muffin? Will she be deloused, receive electroshock therapy and go to work as, oh maybe an investment banker? Oh the possibilities.

September 2, 2008

KPFA – The Police State

Filed under: California,Humor,News — Tags: , , — The Deranged One @ 1:02 am

KPFA has been around since 1949. It was started by an anarchist pacifist in our beloved Berkeley, CA. I’m sure you can see where this one’s going. It has a pretty strong signal throughout Northern California, you can listen to it on this newfangled internet and, if some of it’s programming is carried on the Pacifica Network so you can hear the shows which are carried on some of the NPR stations. What does all of this have to do with anything? Not much. Other than the Berkeley angle.

Not much comes out of Berkeley that is relevant to the rest of civilization. Occasionally, I get a chuckle out of their stupidity. I did have a pretty good laugh about the Berkeley city council’s brilliant decision to allow a bunch of out of touch nutjobs with too much time on their hands to completely disrupt a business district whilst protesting in front of a Marine Corp recruiting station. Well, I didn’t laugh at the Marines or the unfortunate business owners who had to endure the drama orchestrated by the treasonous council. I laughed at said traitors who tripped over themselves backpedaling when they realized they how foolish they looked.

But the latest from KPFA puts a smile on my face. There was drama there in the late 1990′s because somebody or other felt that Pacifica and KPFA were becoming too mainstream. Essentially, that’s what it came down to. There were protests, firings, arrests, etc. 10 years later, does anybody remember or care? I don’t. And normally, I don’t pay too much attention to anything related to KPFA until I saw this little tidbit in the paper.

In case you have no desire to read the entire article, allow me to summarize. There was a black woman (that doesn’t seem to have any bearing on the story until “Minister of Information” is quoted as saying, “The station reports on police terrorism. Police should not have been called to deal with a black woman”) who was a volunteer at the station. She wasn’t wanted there anymore and there’s some question as to whether she was told she was unwanted. Either way, management told her to leave. She didn’t. They called the police and when officers arrived, she started acting a fool. When they tried to remove her, she punched and bit the officers. Personally, if you bite me, you’d better have a very good dental plan because I’ll kick your teeth down your throat. Regardless, she went to jail. And now the bellyachers at KPFA are doing their thing. Here are a couple of highlights:

In an e-mail two days after the incident, interim General Manager Lemlem Rigio said Foster had been banned and called a staff meeting to discuss what had happened.

“It is important for you to know that the Berkeley Police acted independent of direction from KPFA,” Rigio wrote. “We are extremely concerned about this incident and are deeply committed to hearing your important comments and feedback.”

I wasn’t aware that KPFA directed the police. You call the police and tell them you want somebody gone, then when they start fighting the officers, you call time out? Right.

Dan Siegel, an attorney for Pacifica Radio, said management felt afraid when Foster refused to leave.

“Everyone is appalled at what occurred, but I’m not sure I would blame the person who called the police,” he said. “Our staff people have the right to work in a safe environment.

“It does seem that the big number of armed police officers could have escalated the situation.”

The police escalated the situation? No, I think the idiot who started punching and biting escalated the situation.

No end in sight to the funny stuff oozing from Berkeley like shit from a broken sewer pipe.

August 23, 2008

Zombies Descend on San Francisco

Filed under: California,Humor — Tags: , , — The Deranged One @ 12:13 am

This one is from left field. It all started with some great photos of the zombies as they descended upon San Francisco this past August. No, not the drug addicted derelicts in the Tenderloin. Real Zombies. In search of brains.

It doesn’t get much better than that. Okay, they didn’t really eat brains. It was all in good fun. And as our good friend, Protest Shooter notes:

Actually for a protest this was wildly successful.

  1. Turnout that beats most actual protests.
  2. Twitter followers twenty times larger than the save the oaks followers.
  3. Raised awareness.
  4. Massive honking, support from surrounding crowds.
  5. Good interactions with police which helps with future protests.
  6. Asserted rights to freedom of speech, freedom to assemble.
  7. Did it without permits.

And this despite bad weather and 30 minute subway delays. It’s pretty ironic that just a group of folks having fun can outdo the protesters with actual organizations and meetings and decades of experience and, oh, an actual cause.

If you interested in future “events,” feel free to drop by the zombies’ website. And before some smartass pipes up, why shouldn’t the zombies be allowed to have a website?

October 20, 2007

High School Musical

Filed under: children,Humor,Society — The Deranged One @ 1:18 am

My experience with ice skating has been rather limited. In high school, I dated an ice skater. She had the tightest ass I’ve ever seen thanks to getting up at 0400 to skate round and round. (I saw her recently, Father Time hasn’t been very kind to her since she stopped skating. It looks as if he worked her ass over with a Louisville Slugger turning it into a mass of mush.) Anyway, the extent of my interest in ice skating ended with its effects on the development of her ass. And as soon as I realized she had more issues than Readers Digest, I moved on.

Fast forward 10 or so years. I was a young man, no longer in high school, yet still without an interest in ice skating. If ice skating happened to be on television, I’d rather clean the toilets. I certainly wouldn’t sit down and watch it of my own free will. My mother, on the other hand, loved ice skating. She couldn’t get enough of it. So to be a nice guy, I bought her two tickets to some ice skating show for her birthday. I’m still not sure what it was – some washed up ex-Olympians on ice. The afternoon of the performance, my younger sister called to say she had been hospitalized and was scheduled that evening for an emergency appendectomy. And dear mom insisted that I use her tickets to the ice skating show since she was flying up to be with my sister. Joy. I don’t remember a whole lot about the performance other than it was the longest two hours of my life.

After that, I pushed ice skating back into the deep recesses of my memory and carried on with life. Until tonight. My youngest is in Brownies. Her troop wanted to go to see Disney on Ice. And guess who my little one wanted to go. Yes, yours truly. But wait, it gets better. The performance was supposed to be High School Musical.

Now, as you’ve probably surmised, I’m not thrilled about ice skating. And I haven’t the first clue what High School Musical is. I asked several of my stay-at-home-MILF-neighbors whom I know I can trust, but they weren’t much help. Nobody could tell me what it was. My little one would go on and on about how great it is but not much more. The 10 year old couldn’t really help. And I didn’t even bother with the teenagers. I’d have more luck talking to the wall. So I was left in lurch.

When my little sister was in junior high school or so, she wanted to go see New Kids on the Block. Remember them? I certainly do because I was the sucker who agreed to take her. God, it was utter torture. Any of those Amnesty International assholes who want to take up the cause for the pieces of shit housed at Guantanamo Bay should be forced to sit through a New Kids on the Block concert. They will quickly learn that the harshest treatment the enemy combatants face, is a walk in the park compared to a New Kids concert. Water boarding? That’s nothing compared to Hanging Tough. Sleep deprivation? How about Please Don’t Go Girl? There was a whole arena full of screaming teenyboppers who were practically fainting. And there was a constant high pitched scream that probably caused small animals to convulse for miles around. All in all, it wasn’t much fun.

But after tonight, I’d take a New Kids on the Block concert any day of the week. Think of an arena full of adolescent New Kids concert goers combined with ice skating and you have High School Musical. It was horrible. There was constant screaming, the music sucked and twists and spins on the ice. On and on it went. And naturally, I had a big fight when we got there. “Daddy, we need a program.” Not for $20 we don’t. “Daddy, can I have cotton candy?” $12.50???? You’ve got to be kidding me. “Can I have a snow cone?” Wow, only $15 and we get to keep the cup. That’s a deal and a half if the fucking thing were gold plated. As soon as the show started, these little white girls in front of us, leaped from their seats and started dancing with about as much rhythm as an out of balance washing machine. The little girl behind us kept kicking my seat for all she was worth. And through it all, we had to listen to horrible music accompanied by screaming.

Now, I’m obviously not an expert on ice skating, but in my humble opinion, tonight’s skating was nothing to write home about. Between screams, kicks and a couple of twirls, it was just a bunch of people skating back and forth. Nothing special. I got my hopes up when the lights came on after 45 minutes or so, but it was just intermission. They rolled out a Zamboni to smooth the ice, but honestly, there hadn’t been enough action to even rough it up.

Lights went back down, screaming resumed and there was some more mediocre skating. After another 45 minutes, the torture was finally over. My head hurt. There was a constant ringing in my ears. And my back hurt from being wedged in a broken seat. All in all, it sucked. Maybe my seat was just too far away to really focus on any tight ice skaters’ asses.

September 26, 2007

Genital Origami

Filed under: Humor,internet,website — The Deranged One @ 10:57 am

A friend (you know who you are, you sick bastard) emailed me a link to an interesting site. Dick Tricks. For whatever reason, I clicked on the link. It’s a bunch of drawings of people contorting up their genitals into random shit. I’m sure somewhere, there’s somebody who would be offended by it. My personal favorite is the torch. Anyway, it made me wonder what the hell is wrong with people.

How did somebody find the time to devote to this project? (Dick Tricks, not this blog, you smart ass.) Is their life really that boring that they sit around contorting themselves into an odd shapes? Hell with the television, I’m going to see if I can wrap my tallywacker up into a new and exciting shape, then draw a picture of it, name it something cool and post it on the internet for the world to see. Dude, you need to get out of your mom’s basement more often.

Then I found something on the site which really disturbed me – there’s going to be a book. Dear God. Worse yet, I found a little blurb on the Amazon page that it’s a rip off. There’s another already published book called Puppetry of the Penis: The Ancient Art of Genital Origami. Hell, there’s even a DVD. Props for the creative title.

The whole thing makes me a little squeamish. If you have so much time on your hands (so to speak) that you can spend hours bending yourself into unnatural positions, you need to get out of the house more often. Go for a walk, wash the car, seek help! And please wash your hands after performing your genital origami. God knows, I’m going to worry the next time I shake somebody’s hand that they’ve been twisting their tool up into the Loch Ness Monster. And that’s all I have to say about that.

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