Deranged Mind

October 28, 2007

Snake Oil

Filed under: internet — The Deranged One @ 11:24 pm

snake oil

  1. A worthless preparation fraudulently peddled as a cure for many ills.
  2. Speech or writing intended to deceive; humbug.

Every once in a while, I come across something on the Internet that strikes me as complete bullshit. Could this be one of them? Hmm, sure seems like it.

October 20, 2007

High School Musical

Filed under: children,Humor,Society — The Deranged One @ 1:18 am

My experience with ice skating has been rather limited. In high school, I dated an ice skater. She had the tightest ass I’ve ever seen thanks to getting up at 0400 to skate round and round. (I saw her recently, Father Time hasn’t been very kind to her since she stopped skating. It looks as if he worked her ass over with a Louisville Slugger turning it into a mass of mush.) Anyway, the extent of my interest in ice skating ended with its effects on the development of her ass. And as soon as I realized she had more issues than Readers Digest, I moved on.

Fast forward 10 or so years. I was a young man, no longer in high school, yet still without an interest in ice skating. If ice skating happened to be on television, I’d rather clean the toilets. I certainly wouldn’t sit down and watch it of my own free will. My mother, on the other hand, loved ice skating. She couldn’t get enough of it. So to be a nice guy, I bought her two tickets to some ice skating show for her birthday. I’m still not sure what it was – some washed up ex-Olympians on ice. The afternoon of the performance, my younger sister called to say she had been hospitalized and was scheduled that evening for an emergency appendectomy. And dear mom insisted that I use her tickets to the ice skating show since she was flying up to be with my sister. Joy. I don’t remember a whole lot about the performance other than it was the longest two hours of my life.

After that, I pushed ice skating back into the deep recesses of my memory and carried on with life. Until tonight. My youngest is in Brownies. Her troop wanted to go to see Disney on Ice. And guess who my little one wanted to go. Yes, yours truly. But wait, it gets better. The performance was supposed to be High School Musical.

Now, as you’ve probably surmised, I’m not thrilled about ice skating. And I haven’t the first clue what High School Musical is. I asked several of my stay-at-home-MILF-neighbors whom I know I can trust, but they weren’t much help. Nobody could tell me what it was. My little one would go on and on about how great it is but not much more. The 10 year old couldn’t really help. And I didn’t even bother with the teenagers. I’d have more luck talking to the wall. So I was left in lurch.

When my little sister was in junior high school or so, she wanted to go see New Kids on the Block. Remember them? I certainly do because I was the sucker who agreed to take her. God, it was utter torture. Any of those Amnesty International assholes who want to take up the cause for the pieces of shit housed at Guantanamo Bay should be forced to sit through a New Kids on the Block concert. They will quickly learn that the harshest treatment the enemy combatants face, is a walk in the park compared to a New Kids concert. Water boarding? That’s nothing compared to Hanging Tough. Sleep deprivation? How about Please Don’t Go Girl? There was a whole arena full of screaming teenyboppers who were practically fainting. And there was a constant high pitched scream that probably caused small animals to convulse for miles around. All in all, it wasn’t much fun.

But after tonight, I’d take a New Kids on the Block concert any day of the week. Think of an arena full of adolescent New Kids concert goers combined with ice skating and you have High School Musical. It was horrible. There was constant screaming, the music sucked and twists and spins on the ice. On and on it went. And naturally, I had a big fight when we got there. “Daddy, we need a program.” Not for $20 we don’t. “Daddy, can I have cotton candy?” $12.50???? You’ve got to be kidding me. “Can I have a snow cone?” Wow, only $15 and we get to keep the cup. That’s a deal and a half if the fucking thing were gold plated. As soon as the show started, these little white girls in front of us, leaped from their seats and started dancing with about as much rhythm as an out of balance washing machine. The little girl behind us kept kicking my seat for all she was worth. And through it all, we had to listen to horrible music accompanied by screaming.

Now, I’m obviously not an expert on ice skating, but in my humble opinion, tonight’s skating was nothing to write home about. Between screams, kicks and a couple of twirls, it was just a bunch of people skating back and forth. Nothing special. I got my hopes up when the lights came on after 45 minutes or so, but it was just intermission. They rolled out a Zamboni to smooth the ice, but honestly, there hadn’t been enough action to even rough it up.

Lights went back down, screaming resumed and there was some more mediocre skating. After another 45 minutes, the torture was finally over. My head hurt. There was a constant ringing in my ears. And my back hurt from being wedged in a broken seat. All in all, it sucked. Maybe my seat was just too far away to really focus on any tight ice skaters’ asses.

October 17, 2007

Dental Massage

Filed under: California,News,Society — The Deranged One @ 10:15 am

Dr. Mark Anderson, 48, is a dentist in Woodland, California. Apparently, he’s discovered a new treatment for temporal mandibular joint disorder, or TMJ, a jaw condition that causes neck and head pain. Unfortunately, it only works on female patients. And Dr. Anderson’s treatment got him arrested.

It seems the good doctor would allegedly reach under his female patients’ shirts and bras to “manipulate” their breasts while treating them. So far, 26 patients have come forward reporting they were on the receiving end of Dr. Anderson’s “treatments.”

Dr. Anderson was arrested for sexual battery and it looks like his license has been suspended. What strikes me as odd, however, is this little blurb that appeared in the Sacramento Bee:

Another woman, now 31, told police that Anderson reached under her shirt on at least six occasions during a two-year period. The woman said she began “wearing very tight shirts that had high neck lines and Anderson would still get in under her shirt and bra,” according to a police report.

Six times??? Was she so naive that she didn’t figure out after the first groping that something was amiss? She didn’t wonder why Dr. Anderson would put on the Barry White, turn down the lights and bust out the candles that this wasn’t just any dental exam? Hell, maybe that atmosphere overpowered her senses.

I can just see her referring her friends to Dr. Anderson. “Oh girlfriend, you need to see Dr. Anderson. He has those scented oils and damn, his hands are soft. You’ll forget all about your TMJ.”

Heck, Dr. Anderson allegedly went so far as to compliment a patient on her breast implants before grabbing on.

We shall see what Dr. Anderson’s future holds for him. I hope his patients can find another dentist who doesn’t find it necessary to act like a horny teenager after the prom. But I wonder if we’ll soon be hearing about his treatment for cavities. Heaven help us.

October 14, 2007

Fort Courage

Filed under: Arizona — The Deranged One @ 9:57 pm

Can anybody tell me what Houck, Arizona’s claim to fame is? Anybody even know where Houck is? I’ll give you a hint, it’s in Apache county. Okay, it’s on Interstate 40 a few miles from the New Mexico border. If you blink, you’ll miss it.

But what’s special about Houck, you ask? Fort Courage of F Troop fame. I’m sure you’ve seen it if you’ve had the good fortune to travel through Arizona on I-40. There are billboards for miles around telling you to “Stop to take your picture at Ft. Courage.” And what’s Fort Courage? It’s a painted plywood mock-up of a frontier army fort which accompanies a little trading post. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve driven past it – 50, 100 times? And every time, I look away.

Why do I look away, you ask? Because of the stupid cartoon characters up in the towers. There are two or three soldiers (presumably meant to represent the F Troop characters) made of plywood. And they just insult your intelligence.

I’ve never stopped at Fort Courage. Maybe it’s the best thing since sliced bread. Who knows. But those stupid cartoon characters drive me nuts. They each have a stupid look on their face. And the geographic location makes it worse – we’re talking the heart of the Navajo Nation here. I just checked because I was curious, and when the Census Bureau did their thing in 2000, of the 1,087 people living in Houck, 95.58% were Native American. That means that 1,038.8459 residents are Native American (don’t ask me about the .8459 – I just report the facts, not create them.) Do you think those residents are thrilled to see some stupid looking cartoon characters on the side of the highway? Are these characters meant to represent the soldiers that enforced the Long Walk? I hope not, but given the history, it’s a slap in the face. How long do you think a cartoon character of a slave driver would last in say, Atlanta? I can see it now, billboards across the state that encourage you to come have your picture taken with a buck toothed grinning whip-wielding masta. Right.

October 4, 2007

A Civics Lesson To Remember

Filed under: News,Politics — The Deranged One @ 2:05 am

It doesn’t get any better than this.

NORWALK, Ohio (AP) — A state legislator surprised a high school class when the computer he was using projected a photo of a nude woman during a lecture on how a bill becomes a law.

State Rep. Matthew Barrett was giving a civics lesson Tuesday when he inserted a data memory stick into the school computer and the projected image of a topless woman appeared instead of the graphics presentation he had downloaded.


The legislator said he finished his lecture using printouts and then met with the school’s principal and technology staff, who examined the stick. He said the school’s technology director determined the stick had a directory of nude images in addition to Barrett’s presentation on civics lessons.

“I have no idea where these came from,” the Democrat said.

Barrett said the data memory stick was a gift he received about three weeks ago from a legislative liaison from the state Library of Ohio.

So how come my civics classes were never this exciting? It has been quite a while since I was in high school, but I certainly don’t remember any T&A during the lectures. Still, a nude woman probably has a lot more to do with how our laws are passed than any of the BS I had shoveled down my throat those many years ago. Kudos to you, Rep. Barrett for keeping it real. Now let’s see if your weak excuse that you “have no idea where these came from” holds up.

Feel free to read the whole article.

October 1, 2007

Oops, she did it again

Filed under: Society — The Deranged One @ 10:51 pm

Who is she and what did she do? Britney Spears and she screwed up yet again. Now before anybody thinks I follow her every move, let me assure you that I wouldn’t recognize her if I ran into her on the street. Well from what I’ve read, she’d probably be the one running into me. In a drunken stupor.

So what did she do? Lost her kids. Some judge, in a moment of clarity, decided to overlook her stardom and awarded custody to the babies’ daddy. What’s his name? Fenderliner or something like that? Were they married? Or just shacked up? Does anybody really care? I sure as hell don’t.

I’m not even sure exactly what makes Spears special. She was some sort of child star, right? And that appears to be her downfall. How many child stars have ended up crashing hard? Just take a look at Diff’rent Stokes. Dana Plato, anybody? Todd Bridges? Anybody know if Lindsay Lohan is out of rehab? Or did she get sent to jail? I can’t really remember.

Anyway, Britney lost her kids. You have to be quite the fuck up to manage to get your kids yanked in California. I’m not sure what all she did though I remember seeing her stupid ass (well her fat head) on the news after she shaved her head. Not normal behavior. Something about driving around with her kid on her lap? Yeah, there’s a brilliant move.

What it all comes down to is that nobody apparently ever told dear Britney “no.” She had money and did whatever she wanted without facing consequences. How screwed up would her kids end up if she raised them as she saw fit? Hell, would they even survive childhood?

Will the kids be better off? Hopefully, if the Fenderliner guy has his act together. Marrying Spears is a strike against him, but I’ll keep an open mind. And is this the last we hear of Brittney’s freefall? Probably not, but then who really cares? Aside from the train wreck aspect which you can’t help but looking at, hopefully the world will turn their back on her. I mean, does anybody really want to buy a record (okay, I don’t want to date myself, does anybody want to download a song) by an idiot who can’t raise her children? Besides, Dana Plato was a lot sexier even in her booking photos.


Filed under: internet — The Deranged One @ 12:16 pm

I don’t normally spend a lot of time on the internet playing games, but I came across this one – rather interesting. It’s a trucking simulation game – not the kind where you can use a truck to mow down innocent school children on their way to cut class, but more the business side of it. Check it out.

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